Finding real love

Brittni Ruiz
“I was so robotic... like a rubber Barbie doll. I had no emotions. I was plastic,” says Brittni Ruiz.

Once rated by Maxim as one of the hottest porn stars in the world, Brittni Ruiz says she abandoned that life of fame and its vices after finding the source of real love and happiness.

"It's been a long seven-year journey of porn, prostitution, stripping, drugs, alcohol and several failed suicide attempts," Brittni confessed in an interview with a friend she made through XXX Church's outreach.

"I never felt love in my life and was looking for it in all the wrong places."

After a devastating breakup with her boyfriend Brittni struggled with anorexia in high school and started working as a topless dancer in Mexico.

A couple of producers discovered her at the age of 18 and told her that she would be great in their 'romantic movies' so she flew to LA the next day to shoot her first scene.

"I felt so loved that day because I was put in hair and make-up," she recalls.

"I was told I was beautiful. I was going to be a star."

Performing under a different name, Brittni was shooting two or three X-rated scenes a day while she attended college.

“I was a big mess... I will never go back”"It left me feeling drained," she says. "I was so robotic; I was like a rubber Barbie doll. I had no emotions. I was plastic.

"I was no longer Brittni. I became someone else. I had an alter ego."

To numb the pain and emptiness she felt inside, Brittni says she turned to cocaine and heroin to get her through and dug herself a "pit of self-pity".

"I had many lonely nights when I cut on my wrists. I tried to kill myself. I spent all my pay checks on drugs."

She describes her state as "the feeling of not caring if you live or die, the feeling of nobody loves me except for these fans who I'm actually really disgusted by because they see me in my most personal moments".

Realizing that she desperately needed help, Brittni went to stay with her grandparents who took her to the Rock Church in San Diego.

Throughout the sermon Brittni remembers bawling her eyes out, knowing that God loved her but that she needed to ask for forgiveness for the wrong things she had been doing.

Given the invitation to receive Jesus Christ as her personal Lord and Savior at the end of the service, she raised her hand boldly and immediately started reading Genesis after the church gave her a Bible to take home.

"I always wondered how we became human. Finally I had the answer and I was so excited. I couldn't put it down," she told Godreports blog.

Brittni started to settle down and began dating a nice man she had met through a friend but one night, as they sat at a restaurant, he was brutally beaten and stabbed to death by a motorcycle gang in front of her.

"That began another spiral into more drugs and suicide attempts," she explains.

To make matters worse Brittni then dated a man who turned out to be a pimp and got her back into the adult film industry.

Battling with the contradictions in her life, Brittni confesses that she was in "a big mess".

During a porn convention, Brittni came across XXX Church's ministry, which boldly proclaimed to attendees: "Jesus loves porn stars".

One of the young women involved in the ministry made an impression on Brittni and the other girls at the show through simple acts of kindness like buying them coffee, Bibles, lip gloss and having friendly chats.

"She was so sweet and loving; there was a glow to her," Brittni recalls.

She later contacted the ministry to tell them that she had filmed her last porn scene in November 2012 and had left the industry for good.

Today, Brittni says she looks forward to waking up each morning knowing that she has purpose in her life, that God has forgiven her for her past and that she has hope for a better future.

"Thank you, Jesus! I found Him, I'm home!" She says with complete joy on her face.

"I have finally encountered the unconditional love of God, and I will never go back.

"I just want every woman, everybody in the world and every woman in this industry to feel what real love feels like!"

Since then God has also changed the hearts of the rest of her family and His love has brought them together again.

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