All I did for myself left me lonely, says former drag queen
Hated by his school peers from age nine to 16, Trace McNutt gained fame as a drag queen rockstar, but loneliness prevailed and resulted in a drug addiction, AIDS, cancer, homelessness and seven suicide attempts.
"I know I was not born that way [as a homosexual]," Trace says. "It was a result of all the rejection as a child. I craved to be accepted and loved by other men. My desire for normal relationship with other men became twisted and sexualized."
Already unloved by an obsessive, verbally abusive mother and reclusive father, Trace says that his peers' perception of him as "different" led to abuse: homosexual labeling, blows with bricks and two-by-fours and being forced to wear clothes soaked in urine.
Having not one male school peer as a friend, Trace says he developed "strong sexual attractions towards men". At 13, he had his first sexual encounter with a 40-year-old man, then went to gay nightclubs after high school.
Finding success as a floral and interior designer, Trace met two kind Christian co-workers in a department store. Out of love and appreciation for them, he reluctantly attended a sermon series on the harmful messages of his rockstar idols. During the third sermon Trace remembers feeling "uncomfortable, as if a fog started to lift".
"I could hear that this man was telling the truth about God and that the hope he was offering in forgiveness through Jesus Christ was real."
After praying "the sinner's prayer", Trace founded a Christian rock band. They sang original songs and had touring success but Trace says he allowed "old desires to creep back in", as he developed feelings for a band member and turned his back on God.
Trace says he pursued his desire to become a drag queen because they were treated as royalty and rockstars of the gay community.
“God never let go of me or stopped loving me, even after all the things I did”Lonely, addicted to cocaine and having sex with up to 20 people in one day, Trace created an alter ego named Coma.
This alter ego, he says "had sex with fake corpses on stage, ripped toy babies' heads off and mocked the name of Jesus Christ".
Even with the spectacular success of performing with gay celebrities all over America, Trace says he still felt ignored and alone.
He began attending church again and wanted God to help him but, as he continued consuming drugs and performing as Coma, he experienced a breakdown and attempted suicide while at work.
Forcibly removed to a psych ward, he lost his job, house and car. He attempted suicide several more times and was placed in a group home for men with HIV/AIDS where he discovered he was almost at the point of death from a rare form of cancer.
"All my gay friends in the gay community who loved me as Coma, when I was going through hard times, no one was there," he recalls.
Despite this, as soon as he regained his health and received disability support he began performing as Coma again.
Finally, in 2009, Trace says he awoke early one morning knowing God was present in his bedroom. An inaudible voice said, "Enough running, I want all of you now!"
"After 25 years of playing games with God", Trace says, "I surrendered to God one hundred percent. God never let go of me or stopped loving me, even after all the things I did."
Trace recalls praying, "Lord [Jesus], I give you absolutely everything, but I cannot do this by myself and of my own strength because I know what sacrifice [of complete rejection] this is going to cause."
He canceled all his 'Coma' performances and called a friend he had met a year before at a Bible-teaching church in St Peterburg, Florida.
Through God's work in his heart and study of the Bible, Trace says God is healing his mind and he is developing "healthy male relationships".
He also reports God has graciously removed all evidence of HIV and AIDS from his body, saying: "I believe it's God's grace keeping me healthy, and modern medicine is also playing a role."
"My story is extreme, but it goes to show just how far God can pull someone out of the gutter. I hope you can see the grace and the compassion that Jesus Christ had on me, as well as the horrible things I did and the consequences of my sin that I still have to deal with," Trace shares honestly. "I may still struggle with same sex attraction but the more I press on with God the less the struggle becomes. God has a plan for my life, for everyone's life.
"The opposite of homosexuality isn't heterosexuality but holiness. I no longer identify myself as a gay man. I am a child of God." •